First thoughts of the New Year

It’s been one of the most psychologically and emotionally strained weeks in my life…
Life is suffering.
Just as I was saying to Irwin today… You finish one phase of life, you move on to the next… There doesn’t seem to be any meaning… It’s just moving on, finishing this phase, then moving on, then moving on again… There doesn’t seem to be any meaning to life. You grab on to some ideal that you thought was worth defending. So full of yourself, you grab on to more and more… You try to help everybody, thinking you’re the one to save the world. But when things come crashing down one by one, you realise that you’ve grabbed on to too much at one shot, and everything is coming down at the same time.
And at the end when the debris is all pressing down on you, you think to yourself:
This is a sucky world.
Everyone out there in this sick world is having their own problems. Everyone is caught up with trying to solve or run away from their own problems. That’s why this is a sick sick world.
Happiness is just a very sick sweet that we are all addicted to. If there’s any being offered, we immediately just reach out and grab it. Sometimes, some of us know it’ll make us sick later. But we don’t care. Or we can’t control ourselves. We just grab, eat, get sick, grab and eat again.
It’s the same case with food. With entertainment. With ego. With vices. With everything. Because my mind is weak, and gives in to all the craving.
Shifu told me: when I have suffered enough, I will naturally wake up.
When will I have suffered enough?
A little more than a year ago, I started this blog. Why is this blog mostly of pessimistic, sad stuff? Because when you’re happy and contented, you won’t ever bother to pen down your thoughts. When you’re happy and contented, you don’t see any need to vent it out. That was what this blog was for. I can only talk to this blog. Who understands my thoughts? Who is willing to understand my thoughts?
I have been suffering like this since I was woken up by my brother to the sick reality of life when I was ten years old.
Who am I? Why am I not standing strong? Why am I wavering and wandering around in this sea of misery…
Every spare waking moment not spent in useless entertainment or work is dwelling on my psychological pain… The time on the MRT… The times waiting for the bus… The times slouched on my couch, staring out of the window blankly, neither feeling like entertaining myself, nor doing any of the horrible work that is weighing on me… Sometimes I admire those people who can force themselves to work to forget their troubles. I have no such ability. I only feel like rotting.
I want to wake up. Someone save me. Someone save me!
But deep down inside I know.
No one can save me.
Only I can save myself.
But my will is not strong enough.
And so I will continue to wallow in hell, until my karma is exhausted.
Lucky for me, everything is impermanent.
I am praying for the rain.

1 Comment

  1. wendyw said,

    2 January 2007 at 12:19

    I know whatever I say now will most prob sound useless but will say it anyway.. don\’t be so hard on yourself! 做人不用这么执著\’re only human

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