Today I’ve realised that the change in me is abit too sudden, i.e. too big a change in too short a time.
Why do I say that?
Because I used to throw out profanities easily and airily. It’s a form of releasing stress and excess energy. I still maintain that.
Now that I have to watch my actions and words in case I bring a bad name to the Society, I have to restrain myself. Very much. Not a single vulgar or even ungainly word should be mindlessly uttered. Sometimes it’s like choking myself :P.
It appears that my hypocritic attempts to wear a President’s mask has brought some benefits, lol. One friend said I looked better (i.e. healthier), another said I looked younger. Two committee members think I have a girlfriend, one wushu friend asked me if I’m in love, and one more BS member asked me why I look so happy. I am also fully conscious that now I usually speak to people in a slower, comforting tone, as though trying to counsel them, and I like to smile and give people the ‘kindly eyes’ look. Totally hypocritical, totally un-Kwek, sometimes abit egoistically (since who am I to keep giving advice to people around me?), although not really unpleasant.
So now and then I let down my guard (it’s abit tiring sometimes to keep it up) and say something that I shouldn’t have, letting BS people peek into the uncouth, rogue-ish side of me.
Playing basketball, I can no longer crack the kind of jokes that I used to crack, because they usually put down people, drip with sarcasm and are always in one way or the other, lewd.
I cannot squat at sidewalks with friends, nudging each other about girls and other more sensitive topics. (I still do that alot in wushu though. I can’t help it. It’s being bottled up inside me.)
When the internet connection gives me problem, I cannot change my msn nick to "**ao **ee *** k******* ******g computer centre can you all wake up your ******* idea" (note the extend that i am obscuring everything so that somehow i feel better accountable to the many BS people that may be reading this blog.)
Can I return to my old ways after I step down?
LOL the answer is NO!!
It’s like a one way ticket. After stepping down, people know you are the ex-Pres. If I immediately go back to my old ways, it would probably be worse to the image of BS than if I had been who I was during my term!
But anyway, radiating love is tiring, but not without its rewards. I’m happy that I can give others a smile even if I cannot give them the help they need. Trying to assimilate compassion into my character has made me more confident when talking to people. So although the change I had to undertake was drastic, it was worth it :D.

1 Comment

  1. Darren said,

    20 October 2006 at 14:26

    Being uncouth is not ur true destiny.PPL love to be light-hearted sometimes. Life is not really an one-way ticket, you still can take the SIA back to where you are as long as you love to. But since you are there , just stay on and see how it goes. 即来之则安之。This is the stage where you have actually grown to be who you are, you are not cracking the jokes that you used to which is normally filled with sarcasim elements as you can\’t help it. You just don\’t like the ambience to be so bored and monotonous。。。your way of breaking the monotony is being a teaser , maybe a teaser can put ppl down with his sarcasism but i believe that is out of no real harm behind all that. Ermmm, maybe you are trying to protect the real identity in you – being  nice to ppl.
    Drastic change? ermm, i think ur just being you are…:〉
    A Passerby in Ur Life

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