I’m not that cold blooded afterall…

I’m not close to my grandma, but even so, right now my insides are in a confused state, while outwardly I appear normal.
 
Two weeks ago my grandma was admitted to hospital for urinary tract infection. When I went to see her, I held her hand and tried to let as much love flow into her as possible. I smiled at her and said a few things to cheer her up. She looked weak, but she smiled back.
 
We were never close to our grandparents. But somehow that didn’t matter. Is it because we’ve grown up?
 
Monday this week, without my knowledge, since I was holed up in school for mid term tests, she suffered a severe heart attack and was in critical danger for 48 hours. The doctor told my family to prepare for the worst. Yet no one called me. But eventually she pulled out of it, but needed a respirator and couldn’t eat anything…
 
Today, grandma told my uncle that she wanted to go home.
 
Over the phone, I could hear my mum’s voice shaking a little as she described how grandma’s eyeball had been infected and was oozing pus. The doctor recommended that the eye be removed in case the infection spreads to the brain. Both eyes are likely to be blind now. She complains of whole body pains and her complexion is flushed red.
 
My upbringing has been famous for cold-bloodedness… I’ve been described as unfeeling, unsympathetic, cruel, stone-hearted and the like by many people. They’re not wrong, but I just wanna say what I always say nowadays…
 
…I wear masks for different times. I don’t even know what I’m really like underneath.
 
I thought I could be pretty cold-hearted too… But the insides and the outsides sometimes don’t synchronise. Know what I mean?
 
I only hope that my grandma gets to take the path which has the least suffering. No matter what that means.
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